The exploits of Carrassanova Doon
by xalrion-c
Summary: This humourous fanfic is inspired by the anime Madlax and in particular the Carrossea Doon pick-up line thread at Bee Train Fan. "/forum/index.php?topic 982.0" - Recommended for mature audiences


**The exploits of Carrossanova Doon**

It's been a couple of years since the airing of the anime Madlax and the characters of Madlax decided to get together for an anniversary. Anticipation is all around the Burton Manor and Elenore Baker is fastidiously setting up the party.

"Did you really have to invite Carrossea Doon?" Elenore quipped

"I have to invite everybody Elenore, if I invited Friday Monday, I must invite him too" Margaret said

"Miss Margaret, it would have been prudent to ignore those two."

"Elenore, can you promise me something."

"Yes, Miss Margaret."

"Don't hurt Mr Carrossea at the party tonight."

"Alright Miss, I won't hit him or hit him with anything."

"Thank you Elenore." Margaret said unaware of Elenore's hidden technicalities

"I can still laden him with insults" Elenore thought to herself.

That evening the guests arrived with a lot of nostalgia and fanfare. Vanessa came in first, helping herself to a "free shower" with Elenore.

About an hour later the other guests start arriving. Friday Monday came in first, confident as he always have been brandishing a new mask.

Later in the evening Madlax also appeared in a stunning pure flowing white cocktail dress, relaxed and smiling. Limelda wasn't far behind and we mean not far behind, actually right behind her. She was wearing a similar outfit in dark purple while her lips were filled with a full red lipstick. She's been wanting to meet Carrossea for a long time.

Nakhl was fashionably late but he vanished nearly as he arrived and was seen at random moments that evening. But he wasn't the latest.

Then the moment and most fashionably late of them all, the one we've all been waiting for; Carrossea Doon!

The man came in with a stunning two piece suit with matching top hat, a purple coloured vest with some rather flashy inconspicuous jewellery.

"He's even worse than usual" Elenore thought.

"I'm always well "suited" for love." Carrossea unabashedly told the guests in the Burton Manor

"You can use a dry clean" Elenore quipped sharply.

There was a little chuckle amongst the crowd and Carrossea walked in with even more exaggerated pride. Obviously he turned to the source of aggrevation.

"Your wit as sharp as ever Ms Baker" Carrossea said as he smiled smugly at her.

"I cut things at the most appropriate time which is now." She said with tinges of hostility.

"But you're just a Secondari away from true love." Carrossea suggested wryly

"If only time stood still." Elenore smirked with seething frustration.

Margaret seeing our man of the moment jumped into the conversation.

"Hello Carrossea" Margaret said happily with the feeling of missing an old friend.

"Hello Margaret, are you gifted enough to join me alone in a cave?" Carrossea spoke with a flirtatious intent.

"Is she dumb enough to join you in a cave?" Elenore said in a protective tone.

"I will bleed just to touch your Secondaris." Carrossea said with glee.

"That can be arranged!" Elenore starting to really raise her volume now.

"I'm just glad you are alive, Carrossea" Margaret smiled happily.

"Actually I'm bishounen and undead, I practically count as a vampire."

"That's why a stake through your heart will be appropriate" Elenore seethed, her teeth grinding like an axe.

"I didn't know you were so old Carrossea" Margaret said with her usual cluelessness

"Well, they also call me Carnosaur!"

"That's why you will soon be extinct." Elenore spoke fairly angrily.

"Elenore!" Margaret objected

"Miss Margaret, you don't know what is good for you!" in a matron like manner.

"I'm a big girl now!"

"Oh no you are far thinner than your maid" Carrossea smugly teased as Margaret tried to hide her slight giggle.

"Mr Doon, I have dinner to serve, will you excuse me" Elenore spoke with great indignation.

"What's for dinner, Miss Baker?"

"There will be pasta."

"I am like pasta, you want me al dente."

"I think they overboiled you, because you're nothing but limp." Elenore retorted

"If only I can be half as stiff as you are Miss Baker."

"Carrossea, this is getting mean" Margaret said in a soft girly voice.

Margaret walked away into the kitchen trying to comfort Elenore who is completely disgusted.

For dinner, it wasn't really a surprise to everyone what was on the menu. Pasta as we said before and pasta as we will say again! The guests surprisingly sat where they were supposed to, Elenore kept Carrossea to her right at the end of the table and Vanessa on the left.

"For Miss Margaret's sake" she thought.

The entrees went surprisingly well and Carrossea surprisingly well behaved as Quanzitta civilised him for about ten minutes. Of course he tried to leer across the far side of the table.

As the main course arrived and the wine was starting to flow Carrossea looked across Elenore and whispered to her ear while both her hands were preoccupied.

"I'm like pasta, I go well with sauce and easy to slurp. "

"Yes you're like pasta because I like to stab it with a fork!" Elenore whispered into his ear as she stabbed the pasta forcefully.

"Also I'm like pasta but with a little more creamy Carronara."

"You're like Carronara cause you're full of little bits of bacon and fat" Elenore retorted again.

"What's for dessert?"

"There will be cakes Mr Doon" Elenore replied indifferently.

"Does the baker want to cook Doon muffins?"

"Yes I like to put you in the oven at 350 degrees! "Elenore fumed subtly

"Whoa, I'm so hot" Carrossea said mockingly.

"You'll have the last laugh" Elenore thought. Later that night she poured a little aphrodisiac into his wine after an already heavy load of drinking.

Later that evening, in the dark corner on the far side of the mansion was Friday Monday. His old master was having a very enjoyable conversation with Madlax. As Carrossea approached, Friday looked at him with a condescending and a tingle of mockery. He does that to everyone but enjoys doing it to Carrossea the most.

"Carrossea my right hand man, how are you?"

"I have recovered from my demise, you don't mind that my right hand shot you?"

"No hard feelings, Carrossea" he opened his arms.

"Where's Enfant?"

"It's disbanded" Friday said with a bit of nostalgia, holding his mask down.

Carrossea seemed disappointed and proposed

"With you and me we can create Enfant."

"You already act like an Enfant Mr Doon." Friday Monday chuckled, "Unlike me I was having a busy conversation with a beautiful woman which is something you will never understand. Now will you excuse me."

Carrossea smiled awkwardly, his pride rather injured by the encounter. He thought he will demonstrate his prowess. Limelda his former lover was just quietly enjoying her cocktail. The perfect opportunity.

Limelda smiled at him in a dismissive although nostalgic air.

Carrossea smiled deluding himself his old flame still wants his fire.

"Oh Limelda, my sniper rifle still has a very long range."

"Your rifle has a weak shot, my dear" Limelda smirked with malice

"Feel the essence of my mankind." as he tried to spread his cheap cologne.

"The smell is quite inadequate. " Limelda retorted

"Don't you feel Thirstari for my love?" as he licked his lips

"I don't like your 'soft' drink " Limelda said staring with an amused lusty gaze

Limelda felt Carrossea didn't get the hint and turned a cold shoulder by walking into the garden balcony.

It's very clear the author here will not let Carrossea walk away to avoid further embarrassment so Mr Doon swaggers towards Limelda and stares passionately into her beautiful eyes.

"Looks like tonite's a full Doon." He said

"Full but quite incomplete" Limelda couldn't contain her disbelief at his persistence

"You can crash into the ground with me any time."

"That's because you couldn't take off if you tried." Limelda laughed

"Well let me put a Gift in your stockings."

"Let me stuff you in a sock." Limelda is starting to be angry, Elenore angry

Luckily for Carrossea Doon, Madlax arrived in the nick of time.

"Wow, you exist?" Carrossea told Madlax

"Wow, you still exist!" Madlax joked

Limelda went silent wondering what her naïve blond friend will say next.

"I shot Friday Monday!" Carrossea spoke with pride

"oh I shot him too!" Madlax said

"Can you come to me with that dress in the middle of the night. I need to assassinate myself too!"

"They say I'm dressed to kill" Madlax smiled

"You gotta be mad not to relax with me." Carrossea is really thrusting the gears now

"You gotta relax and not be so mad over me" Madlax blushed

"Madlax, I'll give you a mad wax."

"You need a shave more than I do."

Limelda raised her eyebrows.

" Well, will you join me in my naked ambition?" Carrossea pounced

"My ambition is to be naked" Madlax teased

"Is your name Madsex? "

"Is your name Sexmad? "

"I've been outpunned!" Carrossea laughed with both joy and humiliation.

Carrossea walked away as Madlax blew her fingers like a smoking gun and Limelda giggled heartily with her.

Carrossea retreated to the bathroom to refresh his brain when he saw Vanessa retouching her makeup and in particular her luscious red lips.

"Do you know the mirror image of the word noob is doon?" He asked

"You certainly are the mirror image of a noob." Vanessa smiled

As Carrossea turned on the tap with the water dripped he said.

"You can rain on me anytime."

"I think you're flowing into the gutter" Vanessa warned

Carrossea and Vanessa walked out of the bathroom and suddenly Carrossea was stunned by this young beauty across the room. Her hair illuminated with a dazzling orange and stunning green eyes which aroused him but she seemed strangely familiar.

"That's Laeticia. " Vanessa spoke sternly

"Oh my she's grown" Carrossea responded with intent

"She's taller than four foot eleven but she's still a child" Vanessa raised her voice angrily

"If you do anything to her, I'll tell Elenore and have her kick your ass out of the party" Vanessa fumed. "Excuse me, I want some late night 'dessert' with Elenore"

During the night Laetitia felt a little overwhelmed with all the 'grown ups' and sat quietly in a corner. As Vanessa walked away, thinking the Doon will not pounce; Carrossea sensed his glorious chance with the wine and aphrodisiac increasingly misguiding his judgement.

"Laetitia"

"Carrossea" Laetitia smiled cautiously

"Would you like to see my reality?"

"It's pretty fake." Laetitia responded insightfully.

"You know I like Secondari schoolgirls." Carrossea whispered slyly.

"Because they are too young to know any better." Laetitia took a step back.

"Let me be your Firstari." Carrossea whispered.

"Let you be my Lastari." Laetitia whispered back quietly.

"Your words awakens me." Carrossea said as he encroached closer

"Your words alarm me." Laetitia whispered as she stepped back.

"Hypocrisy is changing the Doon, Ignorance is being unaware of Doon, Impotence is being unable to handle the Doon, and Escaping is leaving the Doon. Escaping is no use. The Doon is so close..."

"Stupidity is if The Doon comes any closer" Laetitia said as raised her voice a little louder as she was backed into a corner.

Alone in a dark corner and with nowhere to run and no Yamannis to call upon., Laetitia started to curl up.

Carrossea started to put his tactile hand on Laetitia's wrist and started grinning.

"Let me sing you a song: "To find your deflower"

Elenore was privately hoping there was an excuse to eject Carrossea out of the party and there it was. You see she has been spying on Mr Doon with her binoculars all evening. She rushed to the scene, saying

"Let me sing you a song: "To find your debobbit."

"You're always thinking about me"

"You must suffer from OCD, Obsessing Carrossea Doon."

"No I suffer from Obsessing Castrating Doon" Elenore snarled

"Go on, seize my Gift. I have nothing to hide" Carrossea said coolly

"Your Gift hides itself" Elenore snarked.

"I am your Gift horse. Want a ride?"

"I always knew you were a Trojan" Elenore said while her mind was preparing for meido-fu.

As Elenore flexed her muscles, Carrossea chuckled as Elenore seems to be preparing her combat routine.

"I heard about your promise to Margaret"

As soon as those words latched to her ears, Elenore drooped her shoulders. Elenore drooped her shoulders. Carrossea felt victory. It was just a lucky shot, his Gift was indeed getting stronger.

"Can you feel the heat at High Doon?" Carrossea smirked

She was frustrated but helpless, tied to her promise to Margaret. She gritted her teeth probably for the fiftieth time that evening and once again because of Carrossea's antics. Any more and she can forget the dental drill.

"If you want to 'save' Miss Margaret and Miss Laetitia from me, you can replace her with yourself Miss Baker" he said sarcastically.

As Carrossea bent towards Elenore and Laetitia. A bar of soap slip across the floor.

"Huh"

Madlax gave a good roundhouse to Carrossea's posterior.

"I always wished you touched my butt Madlax but not like this!"

Carrossea then saw Margaret disapprovingly with her arms folded in front of her posse of Madlax, Vanessa, Limelda and Elenore and Laetitia behind them.

"I won't let you get away that easily" Carrossea spoke in a completely drunken and shameless pose.

He undid his belt and about to draw upon his holster of Gifts. Luckily or (unluckily)

Margaret finally gave the nod.

Then the music of Nowhere and the Yamannis came and it was the baddest and most awesomest beat up of all time. Well I like to imagine so, there were punches, Carrossea flinging his suit, doing some bad fly kicks and every girl in the zone gave him a little beating, even Laetitia jabbed him.

They were relatively gentle about it except Elenore who had to be refrained from first degree murder!

Ahh yeah after all that.

"Owww!" he cried.

The girls kicked his ass literally (he kinda liked that) and was not allowed to re-enter for the night and Elenore felt like she won the lottery twice that night.

Rather disappointed and drunk, Carrossea roamed the streets and lumbered across the moonlit dock holding a small swathe of fast food from a rather lonely truck stop nearby. He saw a party of schoolgirls, what a perfect pick-up line pick-me up. A redhead girl in a poncho with a young little blonde was hanging around outside the entrance to a series of outdoor schoolgirl parties. He went for them first.

"Will you like to taste a Doonut?" Carrossea said to the young blonde

"Why? There's only a hole there." Nadie said.

"Taste my McDoonalds burger" Carrossea smiled

"I don't want a cheap piece of meat slapped with two soggy buns." Nadie said disapprovingly.

An older lady came to the scene. She had beautiful blue eyes and a nice figure and that's all Carrossea needed to understand.

"Jodie, this man is harassing us with junk puns." Nadie said

"What are you trying to preach, Mister?" Jodie asked sarcastically

"Hello Jody, I've come to spread widely the word about the Holy Books. Firstly, what is your position on missionaries?"

"They preach for God's sake I will not book a date with you." Jodie retorted.

"In the name of The Doon, I'll punish you!" Carrossea said lewdly

"Your mere presence is punishment enough. "

Before Jodie noticed what was going Carrossea flashed across a bunch of cute school girls

"Girls, do you want to join DO-ON! ?"

"They rather join N-ON! " Nadie and Jodie chased Carrossea as he continued his streaking.

"Hello girls, it's Sailor Doon!" Carrossea exclaimed wildly

Ellis got a little too excited and Carrossea's pants started burning.

This got our drunken 'hero' rather perturbed as he flapped his hands around his crotch to stop the flames until Jodie and Nadie found him.

"It's time to throw you out to sea!" They shouted as they threw into the water.

The fire was extinguished though his pants were a little singed

When Carrossea picked himself up, it was getting dark , very dark. He saw a bar near a gothic church and obviously he stepped closer as there was young attractive women. For him it was luck, it was the girls from Noir on the studio next door he's heard about. Jackpot he thought to himself.

There was this cute little Asian girl looking out the window, solemnly. She held an old relic in her hand and the reflected light beamed on her slender features. Well what are we waiting for, more pick-up lines please!

Carrossea swaggered into the bar towards Kirika and said

"You can make as many pilgrammages as you want with me."

Kirika liked the attention but Mireille will have none of it.

"She wants zero pilgrammages." Mireille retorted

"Mireille" Kirika objected to her rudeness.

The blond in the mini-skirt certainly turned Carrossea's attention away from Kirika

"Make a pilgrimage to your future with me."

"Make a pilgrimage to your grave with me." Mireille responded

"Mireille, I am the only handsome bishonen who isn't your relative." Carrossea stroke has fine hair unabashedly and stroked his fine biceps.

"I am not the only pretty shoujo who doesn't want to be your relative" Mireille smirked

Mireille retreated to the dance floor dragging Kirika with her.

Will you like to hear the songs "Carrossea Per Me" and "Salva Doon"? as he hung around the jukebox

"No I prefer Carrossea out the Corsican Corridor " Mireille gave him the death stare.

Mireille went on stage and let her hair down with Kirika under the disco lights.

The music turned out to be Michael Jackson's moonwalker (cause moon and doon are easy puns) and Carrossea strutted himself unashamedly on the dance floor.

"Will you like to see me doonwalk?" he asked shamelessly

"I don't like you whether you're black or white." Mireille shouted among the large music.

He was thrusting inappropriately and shamelessly, there was some wild cheers from some plain girls in the crowd but he went for Mireille.

"You can't fake a landing on the Doon." as he jiggled

"I rather you take a space probe." Mireille said with angry wit

Chloe saw Carrossea with Mireille and Kirika and went to see what the fuss is about.

Carrossea took a liking to Chloe's tight black outfit and started swinging towards her, Mireille and Kirika.

Chloe wasn't pleased.

"They all swoon for the Doon." he swung his arms in the air.

"We all rather balloon to the Moon" Chloe said as he pushed him away and took her fork out

"I'll sweeten your tea."

"Only if I dig you by the spoonful" Chloe said angrily as she took out her spoon as well.

"You're so gifted at Doonbending."

"I like to give you a special Twist" Shaoli interrupted

Carrossea felt very excited and glanced onto the very sleek and tight body that is Shaoli. They exchanged rather intense and cursory looks and walked into a private room where the lights are very dim.

After somefondling ; Carrossea was starting to feel very satisfied at what was about to happen.

"Do you feel my Gift?" he said seductively

"I'm a very touching woman. " Shaoli smiled as she showed her fingernail and gave him a Gift for his Gift.

Doon looks down after a pause

"Oh shit!"

Carrossea fainted for a short time before he woke up in a room full of Soldat nuns with Shaoli and Altena in front of them.

It was his lucky day. He thought he was surrounded by virgin nuns. What he failed to notice was these were Soldat Nuns.

In a final act of 'Doonism'; he woke up stood up on his bed bare and exclaimed loudly.

"Girls, Prepare to meet your DOON!"

Shaoli was amused and looked at Altena.

"If love can kill people, certianly hate can save them." Altena looked at him with an enjoyable malice.

"DOON! Prepare to meet your DOOM! " Soldat Nuns screamed.

Yep, that is how Uncle Carrossea had a long night , surrounded by a hundred virgins.

Epilogue Song:

Fly me to the Doon

Let you play among my scars

Let me see what your's string like

On Uranus and Mars

In other words, hold my hand

In other words, darling, kiss me

Fill my life with wrong

And let me swing for ever more

You are all I long for

All I worship and adore (at least tonight anyway)

In other words, please be true

In other words, I love you


End file.
